The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
