I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
No more Irish car bombs ever.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
