you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize