mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
