I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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