planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
