Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
wanna go halves on a baby?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize