Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
