The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
