I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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