Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
