Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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