he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
