I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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