You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize