I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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