I wannas sexs uuuuu
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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