Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
