Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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