Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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