I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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