Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
