I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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