everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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