I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
