Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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