can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
where are my eyebrows?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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