dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
