i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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