I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm passing your future prison.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
