Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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