i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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