My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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