There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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