Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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