I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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