so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
