I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you will always have a special place in my vag
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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