Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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