Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
