now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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