who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
