i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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