There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
