in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
