Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
