Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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