Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize