I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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