i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize