I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
