I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize