Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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