Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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