Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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