Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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