my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
